Jeanne

Ditto to everything you said!

Jeanne

You are right, it is normal to be overwhelmed at times. But the key is we all must remember that we are not our illness, but our illness is only a part of making us who we are.

Take care,
Melissa
.-= Melissa Ralston´s last blog ..Endo and CMP =-.

I like your last paragraph in particular. I think it really is normal to get overwhelmed at times amidst chronic illness. Thank you for your input. I know you have studied Buddhism yourself.

Jeanne

It’s possible for even the most “Buddhist” of us people to have disease, irrespective of our practice. The Dalai Lama is the perfect example of this. A peaceful man yet someone who has suffered for years with digestive tract issues. I don’t think someone would argue that it was his karma that created this situation.

There is no doubt that a mind-body connection exists. Working in the social work field, I often see the “emotionally fragile” of the children I work with having some illness issues as well. It is a known and researched based fact that cortisol (the hormone released during stress) can amplify pain. Stress has also been highly linked to the digestive tract in the form of development of ulcers. However, with endo, it’s a hormonal imbalance, it’s an immune system response, it’s so much of a bunch of different things thrown together that create our problems. I can say that at 12 years old, I wasn’t stressed out, I was a child living a normal life who with their first period suddenly was stricken with severe health problems. The development of endo, for me at least, I think was in regards to other physical causes, such as estrogen overload and a generally weak immune system. I can say that my emotional state certainly does play a role in the amplification of the symptoms, but at the same time, it’s not the cause for my many health conditions.

I don’t feel that I did anything in particular to bring on my multiple illnesses. Yes they could be worse, but it’s also not fair to anyone to have to feel like they can’t vent their true feelings because “you could have had something far worse”. I have cancer. At the time of diagnosis of course I went through the natural “why me” phase. Fortunately I didn’t have time to think about it since my baby was three months old at the time. I can remember though the many thoughts that came through my brain racing at a zillion miles a minute. Yes, things could have been worse. But this still was bad. I believe that in some Buddhist teachings they come out and state that if you don’t “feel the bad” than it’s impossible to feel the flip side “of the good”. At least to it’s full extent. As for Karma, I’ve been helping women with endo through my 1,000+ member support group for 7 years now. I have a gazillion thank you notes for helping them. I try to respond to each one of their posts with positivity and helping to think about a direction to take. I have tweeted on twitter endlessly to bring awareness to chronic illness. I have dedicated my professional life to helping others with their lives. In short, I have done what the Buddhism suggests in giving your life to service of others. Even in my limited spare time, I’m still reading things that I hope to use to help people (currently Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence). And yet, even though technically karma should have come my way, I am struggling through nothing short of a BRUTAL pregnancy where I am for all intents and purposes going to be delivering early, we’re hoping to make it another 10 weeks which will be 36 weeks.

I often feel overwhelmed and frustrated, especially lately, but I also know that there is happiness to be found within. True happiness can only come from deep within us all.

Take care,
Melissa
.-= Melissa Ralston´s last blog ..Endo and CMP =-.

Thank you. I’m glad you found my blog. Yes, getting connected with fellow endometriosis patients is extremely helpful! I think everyone who is chronically ill has at least some degree of “why me” at some point in time. I think this is quite normal. In my mind, the trick is not letting that mentality take over and become frequent.

I am sorry that you grew up in an environment where boys seemed to get more freedom and privileges. It makes sense that this would not be helpful to self-esteem. I’m sorry. I firmly believe such inequality is wrong. It sounds like you buried your feelings since you mentioned that “no one could make out this fight that went on” deep inside you. That must have been emotionally painful. I’m sorry.

Having a difficult post natal period must have been very painful too. I’m sorry for your pain. I’m glad that things started to get better for you. You then mentioned 3 years elapsed.

Regarding a sonography being used to diagnose endometriosis, it can’t. It is true that some large ovarian cysts can show up on an ultrasound but the only definitive way to diagnose endometriosis is with a surgical procedure called a laparoscopy. I don’t know if the cysts on your ovaries were confirmed to be endometriomas via a laparoscopy or not? You mentioned having had removal of a cyst. I’m not clear on if that was removed laparoscopically or not. In any event, it sounds like you were given an endometriosis diagnosis on the basis of an ultrasound alone but laparoscopy is the definitive method for diagnosing endo.

The average endometriosis patient goes 9.9 years before being properly diagnosed. For me, it was 10 years from when my symptoms began to when I was diagnosed by a laparoscopy in 1992. It is understandable that you were taken aback that there is no cure or even a proven cause for endometriosis. (So far there are only theories on the possible causes).

Infertility, constant pelvic pain, severe fatigue, low energy & mood swings would be enough to overwhelm anyone. Sadly, medication isn’t always particularly helpful for treating endometriosis symptoms. Again, the self-pity and complaining are a common response to such circumstances, I think. After all, you were still getting adjusted to your diagnosis and figuring out which coping skills work best for you.

Like you, I have found homeopathy helpful. That’s great that you found something to give you some relief.

Regarding where you said, “I knew that it was the manifestation of my own karma that I was in this condition”… I am not sure if I’m interpreting what you’re saying properly but it sounds like you are blaming yourself for your condition. Maybe I’m misunderstanding what you’re saying but if that is what you meant, I must respectfully disagree with the notion that your condition is your fault. Perhaps by condition you meant your emotional condition in how you were handling having endometriosis? I’m not sure.

I’m all for gratitude and have written about it on my blog quite a bit.

I feel it is important to note that there are medical conditions (above and beyond the hormonal imbalances that may be linked to endometriosis) that can cause extreme mood swings such as you’ve described.

While the desire to help others is wonderful, please be gentle with yourself and understand that there may be times when your pain or other symptoms cause you to behave in ways which are hard for you to understand.

It sounds like you have worked hard to achieve the balance you desire. I respect your determination. Try not to be too hard on yourself in a difficult situation. I’m all for being positive and avoiding pity parties. At the same time, you have a chronic illness and there will be times when you feel overwhelmed and frustrated. These feelings are normal.

Jeanne

As a girl my impression of the world was one of inequality. I felt that boys got more freedom & privileges. From there started my journey of low self esteem. I hung aground with boys, intellectually challenging them, choosing electronics over home science, just to prove I was good enough. Outwardly no one could make out this fight that went on deep inside me. Marriage at 30 had given me a beautiful baby girl followed by a bad post natal. It was then, 5 years ago that I encountered Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism. Benefits started pouring in my life. A house, stable job & financial abundance but I was still waiting for the sun of absolute happiness to arise in my heart.

3 years passed by. In a spontaneous full health check, the sonography showed cysts on my ovaries, a condition called Endometriosis, something I had never heard of before. I had been experiencing abdominal pain for close to 3 years, but no one ever diagnosed this. Research on this diagnosis shocked me. No doctors, no website could not say what caused it or what was the cure. All my life, I had begrudged being a girl and now my female system was malfunctioned. The workings of the Law of Cause and Effect. The effects for me now were infertility, constant pelvic pain, severe fatigue, low energy & mood swings. Medication also did not help & I went through a very painful removal of one cyst which came back in a few months. I felt unfortunate. My life condition became that of self pity & complaints. Life seemed a bagful of responsibilities and no energy. I got introduced to homeopathy medication and found some relief with the pain.

I came across Dr Daisaku Ikeda’s guidance ” For all you know, you may have been saved from a much bigger tragedy.” Unquote. In an instant I recalled the words “NOT MALIGNANT” from the report when my endometriosis was diagnosed. Instead of begrudging I decided to do something about this! I knew that it was the manifestation of my own karma that I was in this condition. I chanted with deep gratitude and overcoming my laziness I started doing 1 hour chanting every morning before leaving the house. I started chanting to discover my profound mission that lay behind my suffering

My mood swings were still getting the better of me. On days I was this perfect angel and then some days I turned into a devil. Saying and thinking the most despicable things imaginable. I was hurting and alienating the people who genuinely cared for me. I would immediately regret but it used to be too late. I just could not control what I said. This increased my frustration & desperation. Buddhism teaches “Thoughts, words and actions create karma”. And I was creating only negative karma. I researched a bit on what caused mood swings. Hormonal imbalance? Imbalance! But hadn’t that been my predominant life state from when I could remember. Feelings of inequality, disharmony with self and environment was what I had always experienced with all my actions revolving around it.

Isn’t equality and balance the law of nature itself? Co –existence is the dharma of the universe. My fundamental darkness’s were causing everything. Buddhism talks about “changing poison to medicine”. I now see mood swings as moments of immense passion and pledge that I will channelize this into positive for creating immense value. Irrespective of being men or women, we all have the same Buddha potential in us to tap. In the guise of my mood swings I only given hurt by saying horrible things, so loving myself now seems inconceivable. How do I undo all that I have done? Nichiren Daishonin says & I quote “It is the heart that is important” unquote. I determine to make my heart so beautiful to only feel compassion, caring and respect for others.

I determine to reach out to all women in the world who feel suppressed to discover the balance and equality that exists inside of them and also in the universe. I determine to start an Endometriosis Support Group